People who are REALLY stupid

COMPUTER PARANOIA

  • Her: (shrieking) “WHAT ARE YOU DOING???”
  • Me: “I’m checking my email–“
  • Her: “It looks like you’re breaking into the computer!!”
  • Me: “No really — I’m checking my mail.”
  • Her: “But that’s not HOTMAIL!!”
  • Me: “I don’t use hotmail. I use–“
  • Her: “But EVERYONE uses HOTMAIL!!”
  • Me: “No, my account goes through UTM. My email account ends with–“
  • Her: “But that’s not what MYYY UTM looks like!!” (apparently referring to the UTM web page)
  • Me: “Yes, I’m telnetting. It’s another way of accessing–“
  • Her: “I think you better shut that off. You’re breaking into the computer.”
  • Me: “But I–“
  • Her: “Turn it off. I don’t believe that ‘checking mail’ story.”

——————————————————————————————

  • Me: “I scanned these pictures in, then tried to open this GIF I downloaded.”
  • Her: “What? You can’t do that! That type of a file is for Windows machines only! It isn’t supported on Macs.”
  • Me: “No, it is a standard graphic file. It can be opened on either machine.”
  • Her: “No it can’t! You might have to pay to fix this.”
  • Me: “If it can’t open on a Mac, how did I get it to open on this Mac right here? See?”
  • Her: “Don’t do that! You’re gonna break that one also.”

——————————————————————————————

  • Tech Support: “Yes, ma’am, we require a credit card or checking account in order to sign up on our service.”
  • Customer: “Well, I saw on the news that I should never give out my credit card information!”
  • Tech Support: “Well, ma’am, we have to have a way to bill you.”
  • Customer: “No other service does this!”
  • Tech Support: “No, ma’am, the others don’t allow you to use a checking account.”
  • Customer: “No honest company would ask me for my credit card information!”

——————————————————————————————-

  • Customer: “Why do you guys keep kicking me offline?”
  • Tech Support: “Can you hold on a moment while I look at your account logs?”
  • Customer: “Sure, but please hurry.”
  • Tech Support: “Ok.” … “Hi, thanks for holding. It looks like our servers are reporting that either your modem is hanging up like a normal disconnect, or the connection is just being lost. This is usually attributed to line noise. I’d advise you get in touch with–“
  • Customer: “No, that is not what it is!”
  • Tech Support: “Well, that would normally be the first place I’d look. The modems are just losing touch with each–“
  • Customer: “All right. Apparently they do not tell you everything there. What I’m trying to look at are some Croatian newspapers to keep up with what’s going on in my old country. The government did not like me when I was there and they do not like me being in touch with my family and events there today.”
  • Tech Support: “Sir, the government there cannot disconnect you from the Internet here. You are in the United St–“
  • Customer: “My government was very powerful. They can do lots of things you would never imagine.”
  • Tech Support: “I’m sure in Croatia, the government would have the power to disconnect you from the Internet. The service providers are under their jurisdiction there. However, in America, there is nothing they could do to force our computers to knock you off line. You’re safe. I’m telling you, the first and foremost place I’d look is the telephone company to have them do what’s called a ‘data grade check’–“
  • Customer: “No, no, no. That is alright. I just wanted to know if you were doing it intentionally, or if it was them. Thank you. Thank you. Have a good night.”

VIRUS PARANOIA

  • Customer: “My hard disk has a virus!”
  • Tech Support: “How can you tell?”
  • Customer: “When I type ‘DIR’, it says ‘VIRUS <DIR>’ and some date stuff.”

—————————————————————————————-
Customer: “I need you to tell me what browser I am using. Is it Netscape 2.0? The reason I need to know is that I have read that Netscape 2.0 distributes a virus called Java.”

————————————————————————————–

  • First Man: “My laptop is running so slow and crashes all the time. I’m going to take it to the shop to check it for viruses.”
  • Second Man: “I don’t worry about viruses. Not many people know that viruses work in the back of the memory, and Windows is in the front of the memory. So it’s something else.”

——————————————————————————————

  • Customer: “I found a bug in my computer.”
  • Tech Support: “How do you know it’s really a bug?”
  • Customer: “I can see it.”
  • Tech Support: “You can physically see a bug in your computer?”
  • Customer: “Yes.”

TECH SUPPORT

  • Customer: “I have just received your software, but I have these plastic things, what are they?”
  • Tech Support: “Could you describe them please?”
  • Customer: “They are black plastic, thin, and square.”
  • Tech Support: “Anything else?”
  • Customer: “They have a metal bit on one edge.”
  • Tech Support: “Disks?”
  • Customer: “Well, I don’t know, do I? I just brought your package. What do I do with them?”

I see a horrible call ahead, and the customer is quite irate already.

  • Tech Support: “Put the disks in the drive.”
  • Customer: “What’s a drive?”
  • Tech Support: “The slot in your machine that looks just the right size for the disk.”
  • Customer: “Which machine?”
  • Tech Support: “Do you have a hard drive?”
  • Customer: “I have two boxes. One has a picture on it.”
  • Tech Support: “Put the first disk in, metal side first.”
  • Customer: “Ok. It’s gone in.”
  • Tech Support: “Go to the ‘start’ button, then run, then type ‘setup’.”
  • Customer: “My computer isn’t on. How do I turn it on?”
  • Tech Support: “Push the button by the drive to eject the disk, and press the button that says ‘power’ on the machine without the pictures on it.”
  • Customer: “Ok. Done.”
  • Tech Support: “Now put in the disk, go to start, run, and type ‘setup’.”
  • Customer: “Oh, it’s all working now. Thanks, but your software isn’t very easy to use, is it?”

—————————————————————————————–

  • Customer: “Right! I demand satisfaction!”
  • Tech Support: “I see. Well, I’m here to try and help you. What kind of problem are you having?”
  • Customer: “It’s not my problem! The ‘commuter’ I bought six weeks ago just won’t work! I can’t do a damned thing with it!”
  • Tech Support: “I see. Do you mean it won’t even switch on, or is it something else?”
  • Customer: “Don’t try to sandbag me! I know my rights!”
  • Tech Support: “Sir, could you explain the problem you are having so I can better help you with it?”
  • Customer: “I’ve called them all, AOL, Nildram, Tiscali, and none of them are any good.”
  • Tech Support: “Ok, so are you saying that you’re having problems getting on-line?”
  • Customer: “Look, it doesn’t work! I want satisfaction!”
  • Tech Support: “Ok, well I need to ask you some questions to help you with the problem.”
  • Customer: “Fine, but I doubt you’re going to fix it.”
  • Tech Support: “Is your modem installed and plugged into the phone line?”
  • Customer: “How would I know if it’s plugged in?”
  • Tech Support: (describes how the back of the machine looks and where the modem is)
  • Customer: “Yes, that’s just how mine looks, and it doesn’t work, so just accept that it’s broken!”
  • Tech Support: “Which cable did you connect the modem to the phone line with, sir?”
  • Customer: “I have to wire the stupid thing in?”

MORE INSANITY HERE

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